Duel

It feels as if words are stuck in my throat and my tongue is very closely cramped tied. My fingers have stopped craving… and my mind stopped thinking… I’m standing frozen!

I thought it was a phase just for few days… But days followed weeks and weeks followed months and months followed year and year after year... And all of a sudden they became three years. I stopped writing for three years!

It’s not that I didn’t have an idea to write about. In fact I had it all in my mind… But I wasn’t able to put them down. I wasn’t ready to fill these pages with what I feel. It was too much… Too much that you could actually feel how it was burning… It was too much to handle it… It wasn’t easy to dissect my heart and let it seep, flow down in feelings and emotions. My heart was set on fire!

Nights and Mornings became all the same... to the point that you won’t be able to recognize the difference. There was no life. No soul. All you could hear was the voice of silence. You would wake up very early in the morning and feel the cold breeze on your face and hear the sound of the growl doves and the chirping of birds. The sky is not clear. Tree leaves are dancing with the wind and they are turning into yellow and brown… they are loosing their greenish vivid color. It’s when you realize it’s almost winter.   

And then you have an inner flashback with your self. A duel between you and yourself.

Do you know…

Do you know who you are? 

Do you know what's happened to you? 

Do you want to live this way?

In fact I'm very grateful for the risks that I took in my life. Without them I would never been that strong. I wouldn’t have seen the good and the bad coming. I wouldn’t have learned a lot of things. I wouldn’t have been me!

It makes me sad that we all search for happiness, change, mature things to happen and every time the seek, effort, all our energy we put in and the painful struggle to find something like this in our life. It’s exhausting to know that every day will be like this. Today, tomorrow and all the days after and it won’t change. If today is over, the other days are waiting to follow and just be the same. Maybe a different result, but the seek for something good. The patient for some positivity to happen.

Stop having a routine life and stop waiting, if you didn’t take the steps and actions now, you will be waiting for the rest of your life, standing in the same place. All it takes, one person and a mind to think with to change your whole life forever.  

Thinking of what I had to go through, made me actually learn a lot.

I have learned to start:

     - facing your problems head on.

     - spending time with the right people.

     - being honest with yourself about everything.

     - making your own happiness a priority.

     - being yourself, genuinely and proudly.

     - noticing and living in the present.

     - valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you.

     - being more polite to yourself.

     - enjoying the things you already have.

     - giving your ideas and dreams a chance.

     - believing that you’re ready for the next step.

     - entering new relationships for the right reasons.

     - giving new people you meet a chance.

     - competing against an earlier version of yourself.

     - cheering for other people’s victories.

     - forgiving yourself and others.

     - helping those around you.

     - listening to your own inner voice.

     - noticing the beauty of small moments.

     - accepting things when they are less than perfect.

     - working toward your goals every single day.

     - being more open about how you feel.

     - taking full accountability for your own life.

     - actively nurturing your most important relationships.

     - concentrating on the things you can control.

     - noticing how wealthy you are right now.

Now I feel the warm ray on my face with the light breeze. And if you paid extra attention, you would actually hear the birds peacefully singing and flying all over the place. When there was no life... You entered it again and everything shined... You gave hope.

For almost four years ago, things where different and here we go again, how weird and funny when things turn around again to what it used to be... You need to see things from a different perspective.

I see one ray of light that gives me hope. I see a light dot far away in the end of the dark cold tunnel. It’s far away, but I know I’ll get there one day. It’s the faith that I have in god. Fatalism is all I can hug to in these moments of hopelessness...